"Perspectives" Blog Series Dr. Simmons PhD,LMFT Infertility Counseling
Sharing “Perspectives” Surrounding Third Party Reproduction
Everyone Has a Voice…a Heart…a Perspective
Let’s Listen To Each Other
Dr. Simmons PhD is an expert in pregnancy loss & infertility counseling, including psycho-education for donor eggs, donor sperm, and surrogacy. She has provided specialized counseling for infertility-related trauma and pregnancy loss for more than 20 years and has some wonderful insight into the psychology of third party reproduction such as donor conception. Here is a little Q&A with Dr. Simmons.
Q: What seems to be the most difficult emotionally for donor conceived individuals?
A: The inability to know a part of themselves genetically and medically. They don't like being lied to or being protected about things that they will need to know about themselves. The information about donor conception belongs to the parents initially, but this does transfer to the child. It is about the child, after all. Children do well when their parents tell them early and often about being donor-conceived but they may still have a sense that something is missing or different. This could be curiosity (Who do I look like? Who is the donor. or with embryo donation, the donors? Who else is related to me?) They may resent being told later, a big explanation bomb that they are surprised by and may resent. They are especially upset when they are told in a sideways manner (for example, a parent has died and the secret of donor conception is revealed, an information bomb that is too late) or not at all and they find out through a DNA test (a huge information bomb). Transparency from the beginning is the fairest way to tell donor-conceived children about their special beginnings, including helping children to find their genetic relations, if it is important to them at some point. The parents are the helpers, not the leader on looking for genetic relations.
Q: In your opinion, what is the best age and way to start the conversation with our donor conceived children?
A: Mental health professionals specializing in third party reproduction recommend starting early--as early as 3 or 4 years old--and keep telling and adding to the story as the child grows. This normalizes the story for the children. It's just their story and it, and they, are wonderful. There are wonderful books, like yours, to begin telling the story of how parents have longed and dreamed of children and how miraculous it is to have them with the love and help of others. I also think it is important to talk about the kindness of the donor who was their helper. Little children love to help others and can understand that someone helped their family.
Q: Many parents of donor conceived children have a difficult time explaining or dealing with questions from well meaning, poorly informed friends and family. They don't necessarily want to "hide" it but they also don't want to make it more of a big deal than you would a biological pregnancy. Do you have any advice for them?
A: This can go one of two ways. Some people tell many others that they are using donor conception to build their family from the very beginning. This is an effort to normalize the many ways that we can build families and to educate others. That can feel good but it does risk someone else telling the child about being born from donor conception. We want that information to come from the parents. It means asking others to keep a secret from the child. I actually think that a lot of people forget about it as time goes on, for the most part. Then there are the gossipers, the curious folks, and the clunky question askers who are waiting to lob a judgment or just say something dumb. My best advice is to tell parents that they are not obligated to answer other people's questions. Period. Parents have the right to answer a genuine question if they wish to or decline to answer. Parents do not need to justify their decision or be made to feel bad or different. Sometimes I like to answer a question with a question:
For Example….
Q:Did you do that donor thing to get pregnant?
A: Why do you ask?
Q: Well, you said something weird about working with a doctor to have a kid.
A: How will it help you to know?
And so on.
Thank you Dr. Simmons for sharing your insight into this important “perspective” of third party reproduction.
To contact Dr. Simmons:
drsimmons@partnersinfertility.net
http://www.partnersinfertility.net
Office (612) 324-1207
www.drdeborahsimmons.com
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