Dear Anonymous, ~Author of You Were Made For Me

As the email sent to me was inactive, I was unable to send this letter to the anonymous donor conceived person. I hope someway, somehow it finds it’s way to them. Either way…. they were HEARD, and they MADE a difference.

“Dear Anonymous Donor Conceived Person,

I am at a loss of where to begin here...except to be completely honest and vulnerable. I have wanted to respond to your thoughtful email the second I read it, but felt it best to process my own feelings first so I could really hear yours. To say I’ve felt sad about the emotion that my book’s title has evoked in you is an understatement.

I’ve been trying to find time...trying to find the right words....but there are no “right“ words. As I lay next to my beautiful 4 y/o son today during his nap, stroking his hair, singing his favorite songs as he drifted off to sleep, tears rolling down my face, I realized now is the time.

As a mother to two precious babes via embryo adoption that I am honored to have call me “mama”, your words pierced my heart. They hurt not because I was insulted or because my ego was injured, they hurt because your words are true.

I have no idea who you are, your age, your donor conception specifics, how you were raised or how you came to know of your story. Your story and the story of the children I am blessed with, may be the same or quite different. I don’t know. What I do know is your voice, whether singular or plural, whether known or anonymous, is the closest thing I have right now to the possible future voice of my own children and that is a gift I won’t take for granted.

I can’t understand what you and others in the donor conceived community feel, believe me....I try. I try because I want to understand what my children may feel, what challenges of identity or worth they may encounter. I will never be able to know the full weight of your or their struggle.

If you’re open to it though, I would like to tell you a bit about me. Not to explain “away“ or give excuses as to why I chose motherhood via donation, but in the spirit of mutual empathy and the truly shared goal of making it better for future generations.

Just as I cannot truly know the wounds in your heart, you may or may not find it difficult to feel the pain & loss of a woman who cannot create a child. Just as you may hear from many in the infertility community, this “core loss“ (as it is usually unexpected), can be soul shattering. This biological drive to be a mother can be unrelenting. Some women may find peace in a life without children or some in the love of an adopted child. Others, like myself, feel as if there is a child “out there” that they are destined to be a mother to. A child they themselves grow and nourish.

Just as I felt that my husband and I were “made for each other”, I had a powerful feeling that there was a child out there “made for me”. I felt, whether by circumstance or divine intervention, there would come a day that our “paths would cross”. I realize this may not be how all feel about having a child via donor conception, but alas, this was my feeling.

So, after years of sadness, when another couple at my fertility clinic made the difficult decision to donate their embryos, I had no reservations. These were the babies meant for me and I was so fortunate to be a part of their lives.

Five years ago, when this was offered to us we didn’t know what we didn’t know. There weren’t as many organizations, counselors or forums like there are now promoting awareness for recipients or donors choosing this path.

Of course, I worried about how these children would see me. Would they love me? Would they accept me once they were old enough to understand their story? This is where my children’s “story”, You Were Made For Me, began. Like I speak of in my blog, as I rocked my son that first year, I thought of how I would ever explain to him how he came to be. It was in those quiet moments that the verses of the book came to fruition. The feelings and the words that accompanied those feelings came from my heart, and while I don’t feel that my heart was wrong, I am coming to understand that my heart couldn’t have known how others may feel.

The book, created for my son, was simply a love letter, a poem from me to him. I never imagined it would be a book sought out by so many families like mine, and I would never have believed it would grow into a series or a brand. What I did come to understand while connecting with people interested in the book, was the need for it. So many parents were searching for a way to start the story early with their donor conceived children. We all knew in our hearts that transparency was absolutely the best but had little resources or experience with how a donor conceived child may feel when they become an adolescent or adult. As I spent more and more time over the next couple of years within this community I came to “see” and feel the gravity of this path to parenthood.

Over the last couple of years as this awareness has entered my mind, I have been dealing with so many desperate emotions. Have I created hardship for my children? Will I ever be able to give them the information and closure they may need someday. How can I respect these “anonymous” donors’ choices while ensuring I’m doing what I can to give these children every bit of knowledge about themselves that is rightfully theirs. I’m on that journey now, navigating an uncharted path, mostly alone.

Now, with all that being said. The simple and complicated response to your email is this: While, I certainly never knew that the word “made” would hold such painful ties, I DO know it now. As a self published author, working nurse & full time mama, it is going to be financially very difficult for me to change the title of my book. However, regardless of the financial cost, the emotional cost is AS IMPORTANT to me as the original reason for which I wrote the book. That reason is my children. That reason is you.

Please bear with me as I work out a way to make this book not only something donor conceived parents will treasure but something treasured by the individuals for whom it was written...past, present & future”.

With much gratitude,
Sheri Sturniolo"